Tears and Flashbacks
by anotherpotterhead1
Summary: A tragic RegulusxLucius love story. To Patricia and Kersha. Thanks for the help/inspiration to write this. Really couldn't have done it without you. 3 Cover by Kersha. H.


I stood beside Lucius, trying not to cry. Father would beat me if I cry. I'm not allowed to cry. This is Lucius' wedding day. I'm his best man. I can't cry in front of everybody. I want to. I can't believe that just last week me and Lucius were planning our future in France together. We had planned to run away...but Abraxas got there first. I blame myself. I was born too late. It was my birthday yesterday. I turned seventeen - of age at last. If I had my birthday earlier - if I was born earlier, we would have ran away before Lucius' father got to Lucius. I should have been delighted. But no. I spent the day helping my father plan Lucius' wedding. Lord Malfoy requested me to be the Best Man specially for Lucius. It's torture. 'Supporting' my lovers wedding to my cousin. I can't do this. I have to. I hear the words "You may kiss the bride." I watch as my cousin practically latches herself onto Lucius' lips. My Lucius' lips. I remember the feel of those lips upon my own. I look at the light, as a tear stings my eye and blink it away. It rolls down my cheek. I look at Father to check if he saw. Shit. He saw. I bite my lip and try to forget about the beating that's sure to come later.

It's the wedding reception now. Father still hasn't got his hands on me, but I know he hasn't forgot about that one tear. The bride and groom get the first dance. Lucius holds Narcissa like he used to hold me - that one night where we waltzed around his Grandparents ball room last Christmas. Shit. I've done it again. Another tear. Father saw...I force myself to watch Lucius and Narcissa dance. It's worth it, just to see Lucius. I know I shouldn't say this, but it makes me smile, to see Lucius dance with Narcissa. It's obvious he doesn't want to. The look on his face - in his eyes. The way he's holding her. Not so much like he used to hold me. For the first time all day, we make eye contact. I want to look away...but his eyes...so apologetic. So sad. He rolls his eyes, and subtly pulls a face at Narcissa. I feel myself chuckle slight-Ouch. I rub the back of my head as father just hit me. That means he saw Lucius pull a face. Damn that man doesn't miss a trick. Okay. That's a lie. He didn't clock that Sirius was with Remus. He still doesn't know, I don't think. Then again...Sirius is off the family tree now, so Father wouldn't care. It's me who needs to get him an heir. What if I refuse?

The reception becomes more crowded. People try to talk to me. I don't want to talk to them. I can't stand talking to people. I absolutely hate it. I eventually find a seat in the corner of the room and slam my forehead down onto my knees. I let my mind drift to happier days.

_"Hey, Lucy?" Fifteen year old me had said, nudging Lucius, whilst Narcissa tried to flirt with Crabbe. "Lucy? D'you see the way Cissa's staring at Crabbe? I honestly think you'd be better of in love with me." I looked up at him and smiled nervously. I'd done it. I had (kind of) confessed my feelings to Lucius Malfoy. The seconds in which he stared at me where some of the longest seconds of my life. But it was worth it, because at the end of those seconds, he kissed me, fully on the lips. My first kiss. Oh, it was wonderful. I'll never forget that first kiss with Lucius Malfoy. It really was something special._

I smiled to myself, the third tear falling to the floor. When I looked up, it was a few seconds before I realized that it was Lucius who was stood right in front of me, as if my thoughts had summoned him. He crouched down to my height. "I want to go back and change my own mind, kitten." he murmured, before making a movement that made me think he was going to kiss me. No. He's not that stupid. The only reason he's married Narcissa is to save himself...and me. Apparently. If he loves me, he would have fought. I fought three Cruciatus curses for him. I recovered insanity for him. I would walk around the world and back for My Lucius. Well. He's not mine anymore. But I'd still do it. He always broke his promises. Every time he did, I cried. I felt - I still feel - safest when I'm around Lucius Malfoy. Every time he makes me cry, I love him a little bit more. This is the longest I've not cried - actually full on cried - since he agreed to marry Narcissa. Do you see my problem? I love him with all my heart. Why couldn't our fathers just accept that. Lucius is being dragged away by family members. Oh no. They want pictures of the groom and the best man. Together. Me and Lucius. This isn't what the pictures should be. Not best man and groom. No. Groom and Groom.

_I was back in Lucius' dorm at Hogwarts. He had me in his lap, in the corner of the room. (I had hid here when somebody had come in to talk to Lucius. Well done, Regulus. Hide in the corner of the room. Seems a bit stupid now, but I wasn't thinking straight then.)"So what d'you want to do when we leave Hogwarts, Reg?" Lucius was asking as my hands tangled themselves in his locks. "I mean, we can move in together - a house? Or a flat? Do you want any pets? Should we get married? We could adopt a child? Are we still going to France?" It was adorable how excited he was getting about our future. All worried about our Fathers gone, for a few short minutes. But my attention was focused on one question. "What was that fourth question, Lucy?" I had asked, smiling straight at him. He blushed. "Oh...uhm...do you want any pets?" I remember the sinking feeling in my heart. I had really hoped - But we discussed the pets that we'd have. No cats - Lucius had only tripped over one less than an hour ago - besides. I was his one and only kitten. "Reggie? I..uhm...lied about the forth question." I looked at him, smiling slightly, ignoring the hurt that he had lied to me. "W-what was the forth question then?" I asked him, fiddling with a strand of his hair again. "It was...Should we get married? Of course, I know it was a stupid question - I mean, you're Fifteen! I shouldn't be rushing you into this kind of stuff, just forget it. I mean, it wasn't even really a romantic way to propose-" I cut him off there by kissing him deeply on the lips. "Of course I'll marry you one day, Lucius." I had mumbled against his lips. His face split into an adorable smile that I knew only I'd ever see. "Really? When I really propose it will be perfect and dead romantic - " and he went of rambling into wedding arrangements I loved it when he did this. Got all excited over something. It was perfect._

I woke in my bed at home - if you could call it home. It wasn't Hogwarts and Lucius wasn't there - I only knew this because I couldn't feel his arms around me. This wasn't home. It was 12 Grimwauld Place. It felt empty. I kept my eyes closed and tried to go back to sleep where I always saw my Lucius. When he was mine. I could feel tears stained onto my cheeks, and my pillow was soaking wet. Turns out I'd fainted at the reception. I stumbled over to my bathroom and splashed my face with cold water. When I returned to my bedroom, my blood froze. Father was there. Waiting. Wand in hand, and smirk on face. I barley had time to close my eyes and brace myself when the pain hit me. I screamed. I screamed for Lucius.

_The pain was immense. I could hear Lucius' sobs, as he begged them to stop. I couldn't feel my own shrieks. I blacked out. When I woke up, I was in the hospital wing, at Hogwarts. Every inch of me ached. I looked around and saw Lucius on a chair by my bed. I looked around and saw Sirius. No. Wait. This wasn't Sirius and Lucius. This was Orion - my Father - and Abraxas - Lucius' Father. Come to get me. Come to finish me off. I screamed, but my body wouldn't let me move. I closed my eyes tight and pulled the covers over my head. Kind hands...gentle hands eased the covers off my head, and Lucius' eyes stared into mine. Orion was no longer here. Turns out it was never Father there at all. It was Sirius. My brother. Come to make sure I was okay. My brother who I had hated for years. Come to check on me. He saved me too. I can't remember how. I'm sure Lucius explained. But my mind was just trying to get round the fact that Sirius - my brother - had saved me from Father...single handed! I felt awful because I couldn't talk to him. I was just scared senseless of my own brother because I saw him as our father. Our heartless Father. But I had Lucius. And that made me feel 100 times better._

Lucius had told me to go to Dumbledore. He said it sounds insane as I could get killed for betraying the Dark Lord. But he said Dumbledore kept Sirius and Lupin safe...so he can keep me safe too...right? Lucius is never wrong. He must be right. Kreacher shuffles into my bedroom and tends to my black eye and my aching bones. He'd be in serious trouble if Father found out.

_"Slinky, go get us some food." Lucius had ordered the Slytherin house elf. I frowned at him "What?" he asked, blinking his beautiful eyes innocently. I felt my expression soften slightly. "Slinky's been tending to us hand and foot since I retired to the dorms for all eternity. You could try using manners." This resulted in a house elf rights debate. I won, by pouting. Lucius loves my pout. He started saying please and thank you to the house elves from that moment on._

I sighed and stared blankly at my ceiling. I had no idea of what to do with myself anymore. No Lucius. No school for the summer. So...what? My mind drifted back to another memory. I wish it would stop doing this. All I seem to be doing is crying.

_Lucius smirked at an off-hand comment I had made. His smirk. It was as melting as his hair flip. I stared longingly at his lips. He must have noticed this, because he chuckle. "Are you laughing at me?" I asked, tearing my eyes away from his lips and locking them on his eyes, my lips forming a pout. "Maybe I am. And don't pout." I smirked. His weakness - my pout. I've never been sure what's so good about my pout, but it always gave me complete control over him. I pouted, but he resisted, and smirked. My eyes strayed back to his lips. Oh that smirk. But no. This had became an unspoken competition, and we both knew it. I pouted. He smirked. This was getting hard. I didn't know how I lasted that long. I wanted to kiss him so badly. He was leaning casually against the wall in the Great hall. I continued to pout though. I knew he'd cave in. And I was right. He grabbed me, and reversed our positions so he could push me against the wall, and kissed me passionately._

Death Eater meeting time. I hate these now. But I have to go. You don't just stop being a Death Eater. Well. Without there being consequences. Lucius is going to be there. Of course Lucius is going to be there. It's been a year since his wedding. A year since we last spoke to each other properly. We usually avoid each other. It hurts too much to talk. But I'd suffer the pain for him. I've suffered worse for him. But what would we say? I always know he's there, at the meetings, but I try - and fail to ignore him. But this time, when I arrive, our eyes instantly find each others. I want to look away, but I can't help but stare. He comes closer to me. Wait. What? No. Lucius, you can't talk to me. You're married. I love you. No I don't. Yes I do. Of course I do. He slows down as he approaches me, and when he walks past, I can hear his voice right in my ear "I'm sorry, kitten." he said. His hands had dropped something into my pocket too, I'm sure. I wish he hadn't apologized. His voice sounded...not Lucius. He sounded...broken. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a scrap bit of parchment. It had been scrunched into a ball. I glanced over at Lucius. He shook his head subtly before continuing his conversation with Bellatrix. I knew what that meant. "Later."

_Me and Lucius bowed to Mr and Mrs Greengrass as we came through the door together. It was my first Death Eater meeting. I'd turned sixteen the week before. It was a bit pointless being a Death Eater until I'd turned seventeen, but it's all I've wanted to do since Lucy told me about the Death Eaters. They seem to have the right idea of how things should be run around here. Getting the Dark Mark burnt into my flesh hurt, but I held Lucy's hand tight. The Dark Lord doesn't care about who his Death Eaters are dating you see. As long as they're pureblood, and not blood traitors,then it's fine by him. He doesn't care. This was the only place we felt free. I loved the Death Eater meetings. When the month of Christmas came, the Death Eater meeting was held at Goyles' Manor. Mrs Goyle had hung Mistletoe over the threshold. Lucius glanced up at it, then smirked at me. I had learnt to advert my eyes from his smirk. I simply took his hand and squeezed it lightly before shaking my head slightly and mumbling "Later."_

After the meeting, once back in my bedroom at so called "home" I took out the note. Lucius' writing curled in front of my eyes.  
**"Kitten. If you have time. 12:00 tomorrow. Central London. I understand if you don't want to." **

He didn't even sign it. Then again. He didn't need to. Two reasons -

1) He wrote it to kitten. He's the only one who calls me Kitten.

2) He gave it to me. I don't know why it's bothering me that he didn't sign it.

I hug the note to my chest. Did I want to go? I'm not sure. No. I didn't. It wouldn't end well...for me. 12:00 tomorow came quicker than I thought it would. I sat there, in the middle of my room, my legs crossed. The clock ticked past 12. I had no idea what to do. Why did he want to meet me? Why? He ended it. He married Narcissa. He could have said no. He could have just ran away from France with me. Like we were supposed to. I had to see him. Alone. Again. So we could say goodbye properly. I apperated to Central London. I know why he chose here. Busy. Nobody would really notice us. Less chance of them finding us. He found me first. I didn't think he'd still be waiting. It was half past. But here he was. Dressed in a muggle suit, trying to fit in, so people wouldn't pay us much attention. I wish I'd tried more. I was wearing an old shirt and trousers that were torn at the heel due to the fact that they're way too big for me. He stops when he's infront of me. "Hey Reg. I'm so glad you made time to see me. How's life?" he smiled. Not his smile that was only meant for me to see. A sad smile. What was going on. Was this all he wanted? A little catch up? I should just leave. This is a waste of time...but I can't. I don't want to walk away from him. I want to hug him tight. I want him to hold me like he used to. I want to kiss him again. I wanted to. But I didn't. I simply shrugged "Good, I guess. I've been busier than ever." This wasn't true. I wanted to scream that I needed him. I wanted to tell him that I'm so lost without him. I love Lucius with all my heart. I've always knew that. but it hasn't pained me as much as it does right now. Staring into those eyes. "Tell me, how's your family?" he asks. "I haven't seen them in a while." We end up small talking - work and the weather. I don't want to get too comfortable around Lucius. I don't smile. I don't even chuckle

_I turned up at the Three Broomsticks, dressed in the robes Lucius had brought me. I had a box of the most expensive chocolate that I knew Lucius loved so much. I found him at our table and sat. I leaned over and kissed his cheek. First sign that something was wrong - he didn't move. He didn't make it so I caught his lips. Second sign - he didn't smile. "Regulus. W-we can't be together anymore." That was it. That was the moment the world came crashing down around me. I felt sick. This couldn't be happening. "W-what? Lucius? Why?" my voice had cracked as I spoke. He avoided eye contact with me. "Y-you can't. What about France? What about me? What about...us?" My voice had increased dramatically in pitch. "Lucius! Talk to me!" Tears streamed down my cheeks. He shook his head "I'm getting married." That was it. That was the end of my life as I knew it. My heart thudded. I was scared. I was confused. I was lost. "Lucius. Please. No...you can't...Lucius...please." He looked at me. I couldn't tell what he was feeling. What was going on in his head? He stood. He shook his head. He walked chocolate lay forgotten on the table. The tears never did stop falling - not even for a day. Not even for an hour. They still come. I never stopped being scared. I preferred it when Lucius was by my side. I felt...braver. I never stopped being confused. I was never found._

"I'm sorry for that night, Regulus." he said. I can't believe this. He's pathetic. I shook my head. I want to be mad. But I can't. I hate it that I can't hate him. "These days, I haven't been sleeping, Regulus. I think about that Christmas when we went to my grandparents. I think about that day you told me I'd be better of in love with you. When your birthday passed and we didn't talk...I thought this would make us free. I thought this would be better. I thought the pain and threats would stop. Well if this is freedom...Freedom is nothing but missing you - I wished I realized what I really had when you were mine. I want to go back and change my own mind - all the time." I cried. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and led me into a cafe. No. Stop this. I want to go home. But where is home? I used to think it was right here - in Lucius' arms. No. This is Narcissa's home now. In the cafe, he sat me down at the table, and watched as I cried. I looked up at him "Is it killing you like it's killing me?"

_Lucius took my hand and we hopped off the train. It was the beginning of Easter I had only been with Lucius for a week, but we'd been inseparable Our Fathers were stood together talking. Until Lord Malfoy saw us. His face turned to rage. He dragged Lucius away from me, and they were gone. Father grabbed me roughly and took me home too. I was scared. Me and Lucius had spent so much time together that we'd been to dumb to notice that our Fathers anger would be difficult to bare - I mean, Lucius had always been expected to produce an heir for his Father. Dating another male would never do. And my Father? Homophobic...with two gay sons. That was the first time he beat me. Crucio, mainly. He left the room. Sirius came in. He pulled me into his lap, and rocked me as I cried. He stroked my fringe from my face, and scrubbed the tears away with his thumbs. He told me it would be alright. This was before I lost my mind. How did I not realize that...no. Of course he didn't. He hated me. He just felt pity on me. But why should he? Anyway. It wasn't better. No. It got worse. Lucius and Abraxas turned up that night. Lucius looked weak. He was leaning against his Father. Something wasn't right. "Regulus...this is ridiculous. We can't be together anymore." I collapsed. I felt dead inside._

When I looked up, I felt drained. Like all the tears had left me. I saw Lucius. Still sat there. Still staring at me. Waiting. Waiting for what? With that last memory - the memory that came with those tears. I had realized something - what if...Lucius never really loved me? I mean...it was always me who took pain and by refusing to break up with Lucius. My Lucius. He might not have loved me. But I love him. I did then. I do now. And I always will. But I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of being lost. I don't even have Sirius for comfort anymore. He left me when I joined the Death Eaters. Lucius...there's so much I want to say to you right now. I don't say anything though. I just stare into Lucius' eyes. And he stares into mine. And we stare. No pouting. No smirking. Just...stare. Then I made a decision.

_Six months after the wedding, Kreacher returned to my room. I looked at him startled. He needed consoling - which I did so successfully. Shame I couldn't console myself. He told me everything. About the Dark Lords Cave, the Lake, the Boat, the potion - oh that terrible terrible potion. I hugged my elf - my best friend. I let him weep, like no wizard would. But He was all I had now. I'd always liked Kreacher, but I'd never felt closer to the poor thing before now. He told me how the Dark Lord had left him to die - about the Horcrux. About everything. It had left me thinking..._

"Goodbye Lucius." I leaned forward and kissed his cheek. He looked at me, all eyes. It didn't matter. I apperated away, despite all the muggles being there. That didn't matter either. I went 'home' and grabbed a locket - just a locket. I scrawled a message.  
**"To The Dark Lord**  
**I know I will be dead long before you read this, but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret. I have stolen the real horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can. I face death in the hope that when you meet your match, you will be mortal once more. **  
**-R.A.B"**  
Okay, I know that I can't destroy it. The inferi will get me. I know I'm going to die. But this way there's less of a chance of Kreacher getting into trouble. I do hope that the Dark Lord will be mortal once more. This whole mudblood/pureblood/blood traitor thing is stupid. If a muggle shows signs of magic, the muggle should be ability to learn magic. If a pureblood loves a muggle born, they should be able to marry. If a male loves a male, they should be able to marry...Oh Lucius. I got Kreacher to take me to the cave, which he did reluctantly. I swear, the poor thing's in tears. I gave my blood to the cave wall. We took the boat to the island in the middle of the lake. I drank the potion, despite Kreacher begging me not to.

_After that horrible Easter Lucius had explained that he didn't want to break up with me. He explained that he didn't want me to get hurt anymore. And I soaked up his apologies.I got back with him. When summer came, we took the train home, and once again, greeted our Fathers with our fingers entwined. They were furious. They took us to Malfoy Manor, and tied me up in the dungeon. They made me watch Lucius getting Crucioed. His screams rung in my ears. I couldn't move my arms to help him. _

Kreacher fed me more potion.

_His screams of agony. Our Fathers sneers. "This is your fault, Regulus. Lucius wouldn't be suffering if it wasn't for you. Your fault." Lucius whimpered, limp on the ground. "You can't possibly love him if you're letting him go through this pain." Abraxas Malfoy hissed. "Break up with him. End it. Make the unbreakable vow saying you'll never get back with him." At these words, Lucius whimpered._

I took deep breaths, Kreacher pained with each cup he fed me.  
_"CRUCIO!" My father screamed, pointing his wand at Lucius. My Lucys screams rang in my ears, agonzingly. I strained to move my arms to go help him._

Thirsty. Need. Water.  
_His screams of pain ring in my ears._

I crawl to the lake.

_I can nearly move. Not long now, Lucy. Keep fighting for me, love._

Hey...is that Lucius reaching out to me? Oh I new he never stopped loving me.

_I move. I reach out to Lucius._

I reach out to the hand that I believe to be Lucius'. I feel a smile spread on my face.

_His screams stop._

"MASTER REGULUS!" Kreacher screams. Then...  
_Our Fathers vanish._

Silence. Darkness.

_We Embrace. We kiss._

**The End.**

**To Patricia. Thanks for the help and amazing Roleplaying. 3**


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